“Sunday 22nd of March. I opened my eyes two minutes before my alarm – as always – and turned it off. It’s now a normal day of the routine I’m trying to get used to. Outside, the weather is perfect for a road trip with friends on long empty roads towards the blue beaches of Lebanon or its dreamy mountains. But here I am, stuck between the four walls of a shelter I once called home.
Getting up, I got thrown off by someone standing in my room: a person I’ve never seen before, more of a caveman than a decent human, with torn off clothes and long dirty hair. Oh, that’s just my reflection in the mirror. I get closer to it and look at the gray bags under my eyes and the long curls of my hair, intertwined, mixed up in a Rubik’s cube fashion, fighting like sharp gladiators on the top of my skull. My dark tough hair, once part of me, is now itching, hurting me, slyly finding its way in the crevasses of my ears and forehead. It’s time to get rid of you.
I gather some scissors, clippers, and plastic sheets. Standing in the blue bathroom, staring at my reflection, I say goodbye to the strains of hair that are begging me not to cut them; but I’ve learned my lesson: I know too well now, to keep elements that hurt me near me. Breathe in, breathe out, “clip”! Timidly at first, but with greater passion and conviction, I start cutting my hair, each strand alone, taking my time, watching them float towards the hell that my bathroom floor is. Terror and anxiety dissipate; I now find this experience quite soothing. I can hear each extension of my naked skull scream in horror as it departs from the haven that my head was for it.
Moments pass by, but I can’t measure the time, as this comforting experience becomes a journey in my head. After many “clips” from my scissors and “bzz” from my clippers, I now stand in front of a new man: the caveman has been civilized, dressed in a suit and tie, too tight for his neck. But at least, he’s free.
Did I just write down four paragraphs about me giving myself a buzzcut? Yes, with no shame. However, was it just a buzzcut? No, it was a journey.
See, every time I cut my hair, I associate each strand of hair with an emotion, a bad memory, a dark feeling gargling inside of me, one of the too many demons of my slightly pessimistic consciousness. In times like these, we all suddenly lost our coping mechanisms and ways of escaping reality: from meeting up with friends, to visiting our favorite coffee shops, to the library, your grandma’s house to get some of her sugary cupcakes, et cetera. We’re all stripped naked in front of the most terrifying demons of all: ourselves.
Dear friends, I’m not going to tell you to take advantage of this quarantine to “be productive, do that project you always wanted to do” or any of that bullshit. We’re all freaked out, we’re humans, anxiety is a normal emotion to feel. Hence why, let’s all take a moment to reflect on ourselves, and think of that emotion you’re not too proud of, that action you wish you didn’t do, that fear you’ve been trying to battle, and let’s cut these chains keeping us miles from productivity.” – Karim Rhayem, 21. Buzzcut Season.
When I read this, I had goosebumps.
It takes tremendous amount of courage to only admit that we’re grabbed by the ankles, unable to move forward.
I want to have access to my life before, but I can’t remember my password.
It seems like everything has changed ever since I let myself give in,
I try to quit, I try to let go, I try to change, but who am I kidding?
Forgive the awful poetry, this really isn’t my thing. As I was saying, it takes tremendous amount of courage to simply admit that we’re held back.
Society doesn’t make it easier, either.
But this isn’t just about lacking interest in work, spending too much time mindlessly scrolling through social media, or just feeling like your lifestyle needs a positive boost. It’s much more than that.
Lately, I have noticed that most people associate – actually create mathematical equalities between – certain expressions and ‘gigantic’ meanings. We’re all unique; different physically, emotionally, intellectually, culturally, genetically, molecular-ly – whatever the scale you want to look at – but we all have our problems and our worries. We all have our fears, our insecurities, our demons, and those really heavy loads on our shoulders that eventually become too hefty.
The problem is that people don’t take each person for who he or she is. If I come from a happy family, financially stable, if I perform very well academically, if I have friends and talents of my own, I’m not supposed to have problems.
I think of society as one unit that likes to “scale” everything. Having problems automatically equals something very large on their problem scale.
The other day, I mentioned the phrase “re-conciliated with myself and my past”, and the answer was, “When you say that, it usually means that you’ve done awful and/or delinquent things in your past, and you didn’t.”
I lost it.
“I have my own problems” isn’t necessarily equivalent to the humongous, disastrous issues categorized as Problems on the scale created by society. My parents are not getting a divorce, my grandmother doesn’t have cancer, my dad is not losing his job, I’m not considering dropping out of college.
I made peace with myself. I actually experienced the buzzcut journey by cutting out every strand of hair, every negative emotion and ounce of lack of faith in life that once governed my heart and mind, and told myself that I was going to be brand new – dressed in a suit and tie. The hair grows back eventually, but the cycle repeats. Clip, clip, clip.
The size of our worries and anxieties vary from one person to the other. Therefore, we should take every person for who he or she is. The people who know me know very well that I’ve been searching for healing and serenity for about 5 years now. Would many of the people in my life believe me if I had told them I had problems?
Had I told them that my problems once included academic drop, agonizing thoughts about how much my very own friends valued me, simply continuously comparing myself to other people’s success, or currently include an overload of university responsibilities, they would have chuckled in my face and told me to “stop overreacting”.
Don’t let those mathematical equalities trick you into keeping everything to yourself, thinking that you have to accept your anxieties as reality, or believing there’s no way out. If you’ve already avowed that you’re not feeling at your best and that something is hurting you, that’s already a big step.
If you feel crestfallen because it’s all becoming too much and it’s averting you from being the best version of yourself, Clip the strands of hair on your scalp, give yourself a buzzcut. As Karim said, right now, we’re all freaked out and anxious about what’s going to happen next. It’s normal.
Find the courage to grab the scissors and the clippers, and let go of all what’s holding you back. Now you have the opportunity to think about it. It’s a difficult step, but you’ve overcome the more difficult ones – acknowledging you’re not okay and wanting to renew your mind and your spirit. If you still feel like you’re unable to do it, it’s okay. You’ll try again tomorrow, a bit more convinced. In fact, let’s all take that step. We’re in this together.
Take good care of yourselves. You got this.
Found a New Home 