long post ahead, so you are welcome to grab a snack.
lately I’ve experienced a plethora of feelings, both good and bad; from frustration, to worry, to excitement, to pride, to empowerment, to anger, to stress, to this feeling of being deflated, to overwhelm, to disappointment, to physical pain, to ongoing fatigue, to happiness, to love, to insecurity, to relief, to accomplishment.
and it occurred to me that 1. it’s incredible, but also incredibly exhausting, to experience all these emotions so profoundly, and 2. it seems astoundingly easier to drift into the negative than the positive. I noticed that everyone around me is almost-chronically exhausted, either physically or mentally or both, and it’s understandable because no one’s had the chance to rest in the last three years. I therefore comprehend why the general frame of mind is on the lower end of the spectrum.
I also realized how effortless it is to adopt negative habits, like postponing doing the dishes until your kitchen sink is dangerously full or until you desperately need a specific utensil. negative habits can also take the shape of a sleep late-wake up late sleep cycle, or a sleep-late-but-barely-sleep cycle. the annoying reality is that it feels totally undemanding to develop a habit with dreadful repercussions, but it’s a lot harder to build habits that contribute to your wellbeing (or is it just me?) besides, the wellness craze going on on the internet groups hundreds and thousands of gurus who apparently hold the key to a lifetime of happiness, and who apparently really want to help you build healthy habits. and apparently, it’s only a healthy and fulfilled lifestyle if you wake up every day at 6 am and make your bed and work out and eat a nutriciously packed breakfast and shower and have a 15-step skincare routine and read your Bible and journal and meal prep for the week and name one thing you are thankful for and go shopping and see your friends and do all your chores and have balanced lunches and dinners and read a book and turn off your phone for at least one hour a day and do another 17-step skincare routine at night and go to bed by 10:30 p.m.
(I’ve already repeatedly talked about this, but all I’m trying to say – again and again – is that it needs to stop).
all in all, I honestly feel that we’re just so obsessed with health and happiness that we are perpetually trying to achieve grandiose changes in search for them. I have said times and times again that complaint culture isn’t the one I would like to be permanently trapped in, and anyone who knows me knows I always search for a positive aspect in any situation. however, I’ve also been trying to be more realistic and understanding of my feelings; we experience emotions, and no one, not even ourselves, should invalidate them. sometimes we overreact, but it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have experienced the type of emotion at all. we may not have needed to throw a tantrum, but it was only natural for us to experience a negative emotion. the reason we threw a tantrum is linked to our past experiences, our triggers, and our own brain wiring. I’ve thus been reminding myself that it’s okay to feel and that even as a positive person, I’m allowed to let myself feel whatever my body wants to feel. and so should you.
insightfully, something I’ve grasped from Tuesdays With Morrie, though, goes as follows: “tell yourself, ‘that’s envy, I’m going to separate from it now.’ and walk away.” so, whenever I’m aware of a negative emotion I’m feeling, I hope I can repeat to myself, “that’s [emotion], I’m going to separate from it now,” and walk away from it – mentally. and if I can’t right away, then I’ll just experience it until it dissipates on its own or works itself out.
on another note, career wise, things have also been roller coaster-esque to say the least. I still can’t believe that I get to say this next sentence, but I will be pursuing a PhD! WOAH! still feels surreal. still feels so far away when in fact it is actually terrifyingly close. there have been a lot of bonuses that came with this acceptance, and to admit that I feel like I don’t deserve it would be a shock to many.
before you scoff, let me walk you through this extremely complicated network I like to label as my overwhelmed thought processes. lately, I’ve been so continually stressed out; I’ve been in a race against time and in a battle with bureaucracy since last summer, juggling internship hunting, acceptances and rejections, my semesters, visa applications, dreadful administrative processes, PhD hunting, life-changing decision-making, chores, life away from home, PhD-related requirements, and some side projects. let’s just say that during all of this I wasn’t the most grateful human being ever, nor was I the most calm, most patient, or the most kind to her mind. I’ve been so irritable and worried, and I’ve tripped off the path so much in the last two-three years that it feels bizarre to me that everything is still falling into place. I don’t want to overthink it, but I am reassuring myself that I must be doing something or some things right, and perhaps that I just have to take what options and opportunities God puts in my way for me to follow, and trust in His plan.
of course, my parents are super proud of me and my mom is already calling me ‘Dr.’ but, uh…
so I graduated from a faculty of sciences, right? then it’s somewhat a common path for a science student to pursue a PhD. because I know several people who pursued/are pursuing/will pursue a PhD, it just didn’t feel like this extraordinary achievement to me anymore. just like many things I regularly do. many people take photos. many people draw. many people work hard for what they want. many people are bi- or multifaceted. and of course, I was lectured for that thought process. very long story short, the lecture made me realize something: you have always and will always create a niche for yourself. you choose who to look at and who to have discussions with. look, I was blessed enough to be enrolled in a great school and a great university, two institutions that played a big part in who I am today – two institutions that really encouraged us to strive and that offered us great educational privileges.
but more than that; I realized that I have always selectively chosen my friend circles. I have always chosen friends who are hard workers, ones who are most often on the same wavelength as me, and/or ones who continuously strive to be better humans in whatever aspect they wish. take college more specifically: the friends I made at university are all wonderful souls who work hard and do their best for what they want. I know not everyone is exceptionally academically-gifted, but I know when someone is a hard worker. I connect with people who see plenty of things the way I do. whether you are aware of it or not, you have always chosen like-minded people to be your closest entourage.
hence, going back to that lecture, what is awaiting me is, in fact, extraordinary and not a mere common path. I therefore have every reason to feel like what I will do is grandiose and important.
it’s funny because it’s kind of like when 2-3 people around you were COVID+; it just felt like absolutely everyone was COVID+, when in reality the grand majority wasn’t. and hey! think about it the next time you go onto your social media or your linkedin feed; if it feels like everyone’s doing a lot with their lives, it’s probably just the small circle around you, not everyone. and remember, celebrate every tiny victory and every kind of progress.
so, yeah. mom was right. I fully deserve what’s coming my way, even if at a lot of times, I am ungrateful or even if I fall off the path. it’s a non-linear learning experience. we’re all doing our best.
oh, and by the way, those people you selectively choose to surround yourself with? it’s okay to outgrow them. it’s a discussion I’ve had with a few people already, and I feel like no matter how healthy we believe it is to outgrow people, because we are all constantly evolving, it remains hard – especially when you thought you will remain in each other’s lives forever (you thought you’d grow old with that person,” as my friend eloquently responded). it’s painful sometimes, this shift from I’d love to hang out tonight to I don’t really see myself in a friendship with them, but since we are unceasingly changing, it’s only natural for it to happen. let’s not be this hard on ourselves, as we already have enough to think about. I personally have outgrown so many people because it either had become exhausting to me to still give them such great importance in my life or because there is simply nothing we can help each other with anymore. this isn’t to say that we have to stop being kind to them. never. it’s only to underline that we are endlessly growing and finding ourselves, and some people are just a part of that – temporarily.
on yet another note, regardless of how messed up economically it is in Lebanon at the moment, I’m just so ecstatic to be home. I am so thankful for a nuclear family and friends like mine, and so eternally determined to let them know how much they mean to me. I pray for them continually; for their physical and mental health, for great things to happen to them, for their happiness. I hope they know how remarkable they all are and how proud I am of the people they are. no one is perfect, that’s for sure, but we’re all wonderfully made. thank God for people who make home a lot warmer.
and one last thing before I go, friend. can you pray for me today? a big change’s coming my way, and for it to come smoothly, it requires crucial lifestyle and thinking changes from me. therefore, I feel like I could need some prayers; for strength, for motivation, for patience, for clarity. I’ll make sure to keep you in my prayers too. thanks in advance.
take care of yourself, friend. I pray you never experience this exhausting plethora of emotions and this effortless slide into harmful cycles and thought processes. I hope you remember that you are always, undoubtedly, deserving of all the opportunities that present themselves to you. I hope you know that no matter how far down you think you’ve spiraled, “the universe makes it all even out in the end.”
keep in touch. I love you x
songs I listened to while writing this post:
- silhouette – aquilo
- dive deep (hushed) – andrew belle
- rita – marc diamond
- last look – vanburn
- veer – fins ara
- ocean (demo) – cathartic fall
- circles – wildes
- beyond my reach – sød ven
- rain – ben rowley
- wildire (alternate version) – syml
- lose ourselves – boundary run
- doria – ólafur arnalds
- tourist – axel flóvent
- flags – syml
- girl – syml
- insight xxx – julien marchal
- love you well – secret nation
playlist: Feel something. by jeoff harris
featured photo: landscape photograph of body of water by kellie churchman
Found a New Home 