hi.
found a new home has officially turned eight—and never in my life did i think that something such as a blog would truly be an indispensable element of my time on earth.
i love how my wordpress anniversary falls a little more than a week away from new year’s day because it allows me to reflect on all that took place during the year.
this year unlocked a lot of things for me; great and terrible ones. it got me thinking that we need more music that talks about what it really means to live alone (queue: quite miss home by james arthur) or what it really means to take a big step in your life.
in just a year, i’ve lived in two cities—one for double the time spent in the other—and really got to experience two opposite universes: one where i am the only person from another country, and the other where i am one among many others. in a year, i lived away from my loved ones and cried a lot in the process, i’ve written and published my first paper, learned that the ‘s’ in orléans is silent, caught covid for the first time and quarantined completely alone, was introduced to french rap, redefined my music taste, purchased a tripod, discovered a breathtaking part of normandy (caen), got my master’s degree, got accepted for a PhD, stood firm in my lebanese identity in a way i never had before (not that i was ever ashamed of it anyway), got heartbroken by some people, outgrew and was outgrown by some people, connected strongly with new and not-so-new wonderful souls, tasted cider for the first time and loved it, ate more avocados than i ever did in my 23 years, unfortunately lost a loved one, but most intensely—experienced God’s love in a way that is indescribable.
a lot can happen in a year indeed.
there are plenty of things that people often don’t share about moving abroad. i don’t want to bore you with these, but what i do want to highlight is that, at some point, you really need to romanticize your life. henceforth comes the vitality of happy moments. you know when you are surrounded with people who share and reciprocate the same love you have for them? when you take yourself out for coffee? when you buy a new mug that fits perfectly in both your palms? when you have a call with someone you love back home or someone who also moved to a different country? when you cook or savor a meal you’ve been craving for a while? when you visit a new art gallery, restaurant, coffee shop, or library for the first time—or the hundredth time? when you walk on the sidewalk or drive in the beginning of spring and find the road covered in wild daisies? when you spot a cute old person from your neighborhood walking their dog as soon as it’s a little warmer outside? when you finish a book you passionately devoured? yeah, those.
sometimes, all you want is to sit on the grass or on your balcony with your headphones on and watch the passing cars. sometimes, all you want is to take a picture of that mcdonalds burger and make it look appetizing—because you paid for it and it’s the best thing you’ve done for yourself all week. but sometimes, when you’re too overwhelmed to romanticize your life, you sit on your bed wishing you could hug your sibling for hours.
luca fogale sings, in his song evergreen, “i want to see all of the parts as more than just their sum,” and i think it summarizes what i’m trying to convey perfectly. a romanticized life as portrayed on social media, in text conversations with others, or even in the media like emily in paris, is more than just a sum (a whole, final product). each of its individual components, whether good or bad, is an intricate event. it isn’t just a matter of james appleseed being abroad and living a life better than their country could ever offer them; this very better life, this one whole outcome, is just the sum of all the individual parts of james’s life abroad. and just for that, james should honestly take time and observe them all, individually.
i used to scoff at stories of people who sought to turn their life into the main character’s life, thinking they were just pretending to be happy or aiming to show that they can afford a great life abroad. however, while i never posted extravagant food stories or expensive materialistic ones, i fully understand the possible motive. i did share a lot of pictures of pretty places and faces i’ve taken. i mean, some people really just are showing off, while others truly are just appreciating the happy moments—a meal, a party they attended, a weekend getaway they took, a beach they walked on, a museum they visited, etc.—and trying to preserve those in the form of digital memories.
for example, my two-month summer back in lebanon was full of great reunions with people i love, who were either also abroad and came back or who never left lebanon, and i could honestly say that this was one of the most cherishable summers i’ve ever had. and of course, i captured it all into digital memories.
this brings me to my second point: you are not selfish or weak or whatever for wanting the love you give to be reciprocated. i am aware for instance that it is stated quite explicitly in the Gospel of Luke to give without expecting anything in return (Luke 6:35, Luke 14:14). moreover, if you’ve been following this blog—even if not continually—during the last eight years, you might know or remember that i talked about giving a lot in friendships without receiving that “a lot” back. you might also recall that i then said that people will most often not give back to you the same way you gave to them—simply because they can’t, or simply because they do it differently, which doesn’t mean it’s less. so yeah, give because you genuinely and wholeheartedly want to give.
today i still hold that principle close to my heart, and i’m forever grateful to God that none of that ever changed.
however, to expect and to want are two subtly different things. to expect, by definition, is “to regard (something) as likely to happen” whereas to want is “to have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for”. the real disappointment comes from anticipating (i.e., expecting) the love you give to be given back to you, as if it is bound to happen. when you want the love you give to be reciprocated, it’s fair to say that you just wish for the person you show love and appreciation to, to do the same for you. and it’s not wrong—i mean, all you need is love, am i right? no, but frankly, it is only normal for us to want love. in fact, i wish to quote from the 2010 article Understanding the need to be loved: “people need to develop deeper and more genuine connections or face the public and personal health consequences of attachment disorder, says Eppel, the director of Community Psychiatric Services at St. Joseph’s Hospital […]” (Puddester, 2010).
to want love to be reciprocated is a natural phenomenon, especially when it’s in regard to someone you hold dear to your heart. so, you are not selfish for acknowledging your heart’s wish to be loved the way it loves.
this allows us to reach point three (or is it 2 – b?): all people who walk into your life and who show you love—whether or not they turn out to be temporary significant visitors of your life path—will make sure you know what love feels like. love is not complicated, nor are friendships. at least they shouldn’t be. however, if someone does turn out to be temporary, it’s important to try and separate the memories (and love) from the individual. this human has walked away, but that doesn’t mean we should throw away the songs, burn the pictures or take them down, or just make up fake scenarios in our head. i’ve been tormentingly mad at someone who suddenly walked out of my life without anything happening—i wish i were kidding. i have zero explanations as to why it happened.
for a moment i was just imagining that this person was always capable of abruptly turning the page on me, even after all the times we’ve been there for each other, when in reality this individual was never inherently bad or had bad intentions. of course it hurts, but to reduce someone to such a thing is to forget all the genuine love they’ve shown you. i often go back to the starred messages i have from this person, and i think that during that phase when we were close friends, there was nothing but genuine appreciation for each other. we undoubtedly helped each other grow, and lately i’ve been praying for them to never [unintentionally] break someone’s heart again like that. i’ve been praying for them to be happy regardless, and i still listen to the songs they’ve shared with me, look at our pictures together, and i’ll definitely be proud of who they’ll become in the future if they continue moving forward like that.
i could definitely plug in some thoughts about feeling like i’m in a race against time, but i’m also—still—trying to avoid redundancy. yeah, yeah, yeah—race against time, hustle culture, you need to value your physical and mental health, don’t hesitate to take a break, etc., etc. these are all topics that were previously discussed on found a new home.
the last thing i want to underline, though, is the reviving power of prayer. i have to admit that moving abroad, even if temporarily, has rendered my head and heart somewhat unclear. i was governed by undesired thoughts that most certainly do not serve me. starting a PhD has also triggered those undesired thoughts at times, and i must say that nothing helps me like talking to God and having a good, intense cry. which is why i sometimes ask friends to pray for me—prayer gives power. some people may not get that, but to simply and often say “i really hope they get better” can sometimes be beyond enough of a prayer. God listens.
i really wish to pray for as many people as i can and for as much as they need it. it’s such a pure form of love to talk to God about someone because you want their life path to be warm and serene, to be better, fuller, happier.
so here we are. i know the post is long and maybe not what you’d expect to read, but despite all the heartache, the homesickness, and the negative elements this last year brought, i am here today, more determined than ever. i am here thinking of my post seven from last year, in which i shed a bright light on the importance of talking about it. i am talking about it, honestly. let the world know that our lives are vivid and intricate and mysterious and glorious and daunting and somewhat romanticized and taken day-by-day or all at once. let the world know that people who are meant to firmly be in your life will come to you and stay, while the ones who leave were not necessarily meant to be the bad guys in the story. let the world know that it is terrifying to make big choices but that eventually it’ll be okay.
and now add to all of that that you are never alone. i will pray for you if you ask me to and i will be there, even if i’m in a different time zone. love transcends distance. friendships are meant to be easy. fear is meant to be an overcomable obstacle. i wish for what comes next to be full of genuine appreciation and love towards myself and others, to be full of moving mountains, to be full of pure connections.
chin up, you got this. we got this.
happiest birthday, found a new home.
songs i listened to while writing this post:
- another way around – luca fogale
- RIP, love – faouzia
- puppet – faouzia
- jour meilleur – orelsan
- 2 oceans – trevor hall, marieme
- every colour – luca fogale
- i don’t want to lose you – luca fogale
- bluebird – luca fogale
- evergreen – luca fogale
- you tried – luca fogale
- hard sometimes – ruel
- tidal wave (acoustic) – old sea brigade
- golden – brian bulger
- seneca – novo amor
- warm with you – hayden calnin
- she’s the one – salt tree
- thinking about you – ocie eliott
- be slow (acoustic) – harrison storm
- picture perfect – jolé
- sailboat bed – the devil music co.
playlists:
- your top songs of 2022
- this is luca fogale
- these songs are here because of exactly one lyric in them
- plage de la concurrence
photo credit: Sebastian Sørensen on pexels.
Found a New Home 