what is the most daunting decision you’ve made so far?
if someone were to ask me how my phd’s going up until this point, I’d scare them back by asking them this particular question.
ok, ok. let’s be honest here.
everybody wants to do something with their life, right? hadn’t it been the case, people wouldn’t celebrate every accomplishment they fulfill. people, then, wouldn’t enroll in different clubs, societies, and activities, nor would they strive to thrive.
it’s always heart-warming to see purpose-driven individuals do their best every day to finish what they started—keeping in mind that the purpose could simply be to be done with a degree, a project, or a task. unfortunately, there are many circumstances in life that force people to let go of the rope, hence leaving tasks unfinished and ends unmet.
anyway, i’ve made a decision lately, and that is to bring some found a new home bedazzling to linkedin—and that by posting a monthly positive post:
P.S.: i felt like i really had to hide my last name, for some reason. sorry.
what i do want to highlight through this recent mission assignment is the fact that, while i do write to encourage others, i speak about myself and seek to encourage myself, too. and this is the kind of free, safe space that this blog has always granted me. anyway, the other day i was rereading my reflections of a grad student post, and realized that the concluding paragraph is also a reminder for me—to come back to that post and listen to my own reasoning and advice.
henceforth, i hope that, after this post, i start listening to myself a little more.
first four months have been wild. orelsan says in his track notes pour trop tard, “maintenant t’es dans le grand bain, devine comment on nage” (which roughly translates to: “now you’re in deep water, figure out how to swim”).
this is exactly how the start of my phd journey has felt like. you’re here, asked to begin your readings. you take off, you surf tens and hundreds of articles you half- or quarter-understand. then after a while, you’re asked what’s new?, so you talk about what you finally were able to grasp. repeat.
it feels like, even after four months in, i haven’t moved. and on the days when i feel like i’ve actually advanced, it doesn’t feel like much at all. meetings almost always left me puzzled and doubtful that i’ll be ready for the upcoming requirements.
however, one of my best friends and i each made a list of what we want 2023 to be a year of, and i clearly wrote getting over our impostor syndrome.
i also noticed that i have mentioned “impostor syndrome” a few times already on this blog, simply assuming that everyone reading already knew what it was. it is, however, important to define what this term means to fully understand what’s going on:
“first described by psychologists Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD, in the 1970s, impostor phenomenon occurs among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success. they often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others will eventually unmask them as a fraud. though the impostor phenomenon isn’t an official diagnosis listed in the DSM, psychologists and others acknowledge that it is a very real and specific form of intellectual self-doubt.” [1]
in other, even more popularized terms, impostor syndrome thoughts come with self-doubt and feelings of incompetence, regardless of the actual capabilities and experience one has for a task/job.
nevertheless, i am trying to change the thought process. there are times when i acknowledged missing out on a detail, so i’d go ahead and think something like i’m STUpid. but then i’d immediately rectify that thought, and instead say to myself, “no you’re not stupid. it happens to forget details.”
the way we talk to ourselves and the actions we take toward ourselves are super important. the steps we take for ourselves are essential for our moving forward—despite how slow the movement seems to be. i remember declaring, before arriving back to france, that i did not want to be the stereotypical sleep deprived, malnourished, and exhausted phd student you see in memes. so when i first arrived, i did make an effort and took off on this “wellness” journey (then it flopped somewhere along the way in the last four months). however, another indispensable factor here is to keep trying. in lebanon we always throw the joke “el tanen bi ballesh el régime” (= “the diet starts on monday”) whenever we swear we’ll start dieting as of the day of the decision, then proceed to ignore all our resolutions immediately.
and while “the diet starts on monday” is a sentence that may never truly be put into action, i want to think that the steps we take for ourselves can, in fact, start on monday (or the day you tell yourself you’ll try again tomorrow). if the act of self love you want to show yourself is to sleep better and for longer periods, it surely is difficult to radically change your sleep schedule just like [finger snap] that, if you haven’t been sleeping well or enough for a prolonged while. a suggestion would be to try to sleep 15 mins earlier the first week, then 30 mins the next, so you would progressively be getting more sleep. trust me though, i know what it means to tell yourself you’ll do something regularly, then let your acquired bad habits take the lead (especially if you live alone). the key is to keep trying! the better sleep schedule starts on “monday,” am i right? for my part, one act of self love i’ve done for myself lately is enrolling at the university’s gym. it’s my third week, and i impatiently wait for gym days to go and blow off some steam and not think of anything!
that said, back to the phd.
i want to start this on a positive note and say that i am so blessed to have a supportive environment, whether here in france or back home. my friends here at the lab have been such rays of sunshine, really allowing me to be myself and being tolerant towards people of different nationalities. to be fair, there is a lot of cultural diversity at the lab i’m currently in, which honestly makes things easier for someone who is not french. my fellow lebanese friends in france have also been super supportive, not to mention that ranting about our struggles in adapting to life here truly makes it all better. friends and my nuclear family in lebanon have also been incredibly warm and supportive, have really been the wind beneath my wings this past year, and still they continue to be.
so, have the last four months been rough? most definitely. it’ll never be easy to walk into a field of work, a city, or a group of people you don’t know much about and anyone in. but—BUT—as your fellow real life or internet friend, i want to remind you that you’ll get the hang of it. we will get the hang of it.
it will be terrifying and daunting and jaw-dropping and glorious and draining and fulfilling. on some days, sometimes many days or even months in a row, the rope will feel insecure and loose in your hands, then one day you’ll tighten your grip. you will finish that degree, you will sleep better, you will eat better, you will learn to swim, you will start exercising more, you will read more, you will work in the field of your choice, you will, you will, you will. i am writing this effervescently, maybe because i just got back from the gym, but also maybe i feel secure and flowery in hearing these words. it feels like a pat on the shoulder, or even a hug.
and, in my case, i hope this phd will be the most terrifyingly beautiful experience i go through. i have created a posts category called phd era for me to share what i feel comfortable sharing about this journey for the next three years. the diet may not start on monday, but the trying again to be kind towards ourselves might just start right now.
i appreciate you so much, friend. and if you’re like me, trying to be kinder to yourself but still surrendering to the haunting thoughts of self doubt, among others, that serve you nothing, i hope you know that i see you and that i’m proud of you. i also hope you see me too—not only so that we have genuine proof behind our encouragement for each other, but also to have something concrete to fight off all the doubts with.
chin up, we got this.
songs i listened to while writing this post:
- beach baby – bon iver
- silvery – novo amor, ed tullet
- sweet home – nostalgia version – SYML
- ready or not – austin basham
- bellafonte – brolly
- flume – bon iver
- cold – novo amor
- my everything – ocie elliott
- shiver – coldplay
- trying my best – anson seabra
- older – alec benjamin
- million years ago – adele
- homesick – charlie oriain
- some days – brent morgan
- ease – troye sivan ft. broods
- whiskey & cigarettes – chance peña
- quite miss home – james arthur
- quite miss home (acoustic) – james arthur
- home – daughtry
- control (acoustic) – zoe wees
playlists:
- music we listen to by hollow coves
- with adulthood come departures by me
photo credit: Jeremy Bishop on unsplash.
Found a New Home 