it’s insane how your own mind can make you feel.
[pause tape scratch]
i am currently in my office; in the last week, i’ve managed to arrive 30 to 60 mins later than everyone else. a past version of me would’ve possibly worried excessively over arriving late, as i am—97% of the time—punctual.
however, i was told i didn’t have a fixed schedule. it’s not God-sent that i have to be at my desk at 9 am and leave the office or the lab at 5 pm. everyone has more-or-less established that schedule for themselves, but nobody actually gives a crap about what time you arrive or at what time you leave. for the most part of my stay here, on the days when i’d arrive after 9 am, i’d always wonder if anyone might have thought to themselves that i was giving myself way too many privileges—especially as a first year phd student. but this week in particular i’ve been telling myself that the people at my lab and i do not lead the same lives. i mean, sure, i’ve been arriving later than everyone else this week, but it’s not like their work depends on my being physically there.
this is therefore a reminder that your life is yours and that it is complex, unique, and incomparable to the lives of the people you work or are surrounded with. the reasons you show up later to work, the reasons you feel more anxious, tired, distant or even—more positively—unbothered about something are in regards to your life. and of course, there will be days when you will use up your work day to write three sentences only. those are the days when you will do absolutely nothing productive, and you will feel like maybe you’re not meant to be where you are. that’s where you’re wrong.
this brings me to the main point of today’s blog post: for those of you who don’t know, most of my lab experience is in microbiology. i haven’t worked with harsh chemicals in a very long time, and ironically, my phd project requires quite a lot of… that.
i kid you not, i spent two weeks preparing for my first extensive experiment—one i had never seen before, even in theory—and asked the lab tech to help me with the setup. frankly, i was strongly anxious about this experiment, mainly because the lab tech was a little too dramatic when it came to the safety precautions.
apparently, my uneasiness was noticeable, so my mentor advised me to run some “blank testing” (i.e., run the experiment with water instead of the chemical agents to safely make sure the setup works). she said that we’d do the actual experiment when she comes back from her out-of-office work. the relief!
fast forward to the week after that when i was informed i would still be on my own. i hence decided to take on the challenge myself. in my head i was telling myself, “you can’t keep waiting for someone to hold your hand throughout your lab work,” and “come on, your blank test proved the setup was safe to use, you got this. just complete the steps more slowly.”
long story short, i did the experiment. i asked questions. i tried finding solutions. it went more smoothly than i had priorly thought.
i don’t want this to sound like our fellow internet self-help gurus—the ones who tell you that all it took for them to succeed was to miraculously change the way they think—because i don’t want to convey the idea that i am better than anyone (the way these gurus indirectly do).
what i do want to highlight is that it’s okay to slow down when your mind is racing. all along the prep weeks and the blank test phase, i was worried that something might blow up, that i might break something, that i might hurt myself with chemicals, that the lab techs would judge me because of my poor conduct (what the…?). then i thought to myself, “hell, maria. it’s not like you’ve never been in a lab before.”
even after all the hype talk you give yourself, if you feel like it’s all too much, remember that it’s okay to slow down. it’s okay to ask a lot of questions if it helps you piece the puzzle together. it’s okay to feel like you want to be supervised the first time you try something that initially seems a little daunting. it’s okay if you need to prepare for a duration that is longer than the duration of the actual task.
i actually have to repeat this same experiment this week (because of an honest mistake towards the end), but now i’m taking it on with a little extra confidence. and you will too. if you have to repeat what scared you the first time, you’ll be a little more confident about your performance. you’ll be a bit more aware of what needs more of your attention. you got this.
so, yeah. it’s insane how your own mind can make you feel.
on that note, let me ask you something: what is one thing that makes you ecstatic, and that other people might respond dully to? for me, the first thing that comes to mind is creating my own salad bowl. i don’t know why, but the fact that i get a “say” in what goes into my salad, that i get to bring together all the singular elements i like to have in my salad, makes me ecstatic. this is one among the many things that make me happy, alongside taking pictures, working on anything of visual nature, or having deep and meaningful conversations with others. these things bring peace to my mind, hence making me forget the passing of time.
and you? what is that one thing/those few things that make you forget that time is actually passing?
also, speaking of which, did i mention how joyful it makes me when i type in the research keywords to continue expanding my knowledge, and then stumble upon my first (and only) paper? like that’s ME! i wrote this! that’s my work!
it makes me wonder if people who have a lot of publications still feel that same surge of dopamine when they come across their papers in the search results, or when they see that others have cited them. please, God! i hope i never lose this happiness and sense of accomplishment!
anyway—that’s all i wanted to share with you, friends. i’m still having a little bit of trouble figuring out how to have a proper work-life balance. i mean that in the sense that, so far, it seems challenging to prepare your meals, have a tidied apartment, handle your chores, get enough sleep, be at work on time, and finish up as much work as possible—all while still making time for that gym habit you’re trying to build. however, i am going with the flow and somewhat letting things fall into place on their own. it’s gonna happen, as i tell myself. again, it’s not like the balance of the universe depends on how well-organized my phd student life is.
so, hey.
remember to slow down, ask questions, and take a deep breath when life gets overwhelming. and i’ll be here if you need me. we’ll take one step forward, together.
you got this. x
songs i listened to while writing this post:
- bird set free – keala settle
- bring me down – sophie pecora
- the greatest – sia
- it’s alright – the hollow men
- carry you – ruelle
- emlaq – hassan el shafei, hamza namira
- keeping your head up – birdy
- hall of fame – the script, will.i.am
- champions – kurt hugo shneider, andie case
- radioactive – imagine dragons
- exothermic – faouzia
- puppet – faouzia
- whatever it takes – imagine dragons
- down – thousand foot krutch
- atlas falls – shinedown
- unstoppable – sia
- the sun’s gonna rise – sam ryder
- this mountain – faouzia
- try – p!nk
- get up – shinedown
photo credit: nadine wuchenauer on pexels.
Found a New Home 