hi.
lately i’ve been seeking to have more honest conversations. I reckon that, amidst the chaos of every-day life, we do not always have the capacity to engage in honest—potentially vulnerable—exchanges with others.
so, here it goes…
I’ve been blogging for the past eight years, and every few years or so, I decide to dive back into posts I had published earlier. lately, I’ve been returning to my old posts from 2015 until present more eagerly—as if I were searching for something without being too sure of what it could be. among the posts I’ve written to this day, there exist thoughts, experiences, poems, highlights, values, and even some opinions. some of these posts I remember writing, very vividly actually, and others I completely blanked out on.
but this is where things have begun getting more alien to me; one could say I’ve somewhat lost all acknowledgment of the passing of time, and some might say I’ve been going about my life in circular motion. one time, I was skimming through found a new home‘s home page, as I often do—you know, trying to put myself in the shoes of a visitor—and then something freaked me out; a post I had a crystal clear memory of writing came up, so I read it, and then looked at the publication date. exactly a year ago. and I can’t tell you how sad I felt when I saw that I was still living the same experience as I did a year prior to that moment. it was strangely hurtful to see that I hadn’t moved for 365 days, when everything about that year had to do with displacement and changes. my reaction was, “no, no, no. a year couldn’t possibly have passed since I wrote this.”
fast forward to this week when I reread some posts from 2015; ones I had written when I was 15, when I believed I had opinions to share and no other platform could contain them (which is why I started this blog in the first place). of course, at almost 24, a lot about my outlook on life has changed since then, but rereading those posts was still heart-warming, so I thought it was worth keeping them (even if my writing clearly screams “15 years old”).
to tell you the truth, I miss this version of myself; she was so bubbly and determined and positive and innocent, it’s almost hard to believe that a few years can transform a zen idealist into some sort of worried-overthinker-idealist. still, there are a lot of things about this past life that I do not miss. I reckon that being sheltered within my home and my school, growing up surrounded by the same faces, and just having 1/4 of the responsibilities I have today are important factors to take into account in this equation—because not only was life less demanding back then, but a lot has happened since then. and yet, I believe my mind is really longing, not to be 15 again, but just to have less to worry about and overthink. Man’s search for… less responsibility, if you will.
this brings us to the posts from just before covid, early covid, and late covid (circa 2021). it was all reassurance and positivity and self expression during quarantine… so far, so good…. needs revision here, needs revision there…and that was when I noticed the flaw; the very reason I’m even writing this post—redundance. imagine having to eat the same meal every day. the same. meal. every. day. you eventually hate it for how predictable and bland it is, even if this meal did hold a special place in your heart.
this is exactly how my last several posts have felt to me; like a meal I’ve eaten so often that I’ve become numb regarding its flavor, and I just can’t stand it anymore. let’s face it, I’m middle eastern—and we are no strangers to flavor. I’m not saying that my posts don’t actually have something to offer; on the contrary, I am very proud of the principles and values that I’ve carried with me all my life and that I’ve aimed to pass on through this blog for the last eight years. I am massively proud of the feelings and thoughts I was able to articulate, the support and encouragement I was able to give, and of course, of the space I was able to give my mind for it to paint the canvases it wants.
however, and as every fellow youtuber who has made a video along those lines says, it’s time for a much-needed break. I’m at a point of my life where things are overwhelming and somewhat hard to explain, where it’s probably time to pick up the instruction manual and try a new method. I can’t keep going back to my old posts and feel like I’ve been stuck in a never-ending loop.
I do not want to feel like the seed I wish to plant ended up “among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants.” [1] I do not wish for my published works to be like all those tracks on the radio that have only one message. I am very happy to do what I do and write what I write, just as I am happy to be able to be myself with all of you. this human, however, can get inspired better…
I wish to take a break to better assimilate things, to try new things, to learn new things—all of this so that I come back and tell you all about them. I wish for found a new home to carry within its pages new details about the new home I seek to find within myself and this exciting and daunting life I’m leading.
lately, I’ve been trying to have more honest conversations, conversations in which I can tell you I agree with this, I disagree with that, I feel this, and I feel that. and honestly, maybe I’ve been purposely focused on the things I’ve repeatedly written about on here, whether in the posts still available to read on the blog’s home page or the ones that were reverted to drafts. perhaps I’ve given these thoughts way too much space in my mind because they never stopped speaking to me in one way or another, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I think it definitely kept me from further exploring some other thoughts that could be worthy of sharing on here.
henceforth, the break from blogging is to pursue a quest to find new flavors and add them to the ones I already know. I shall continue having honest conversations, observing, growing, learning, unlearning, doing things that make me happy, and trying. then, undoubtedly, I’ll come back and tell you all about it.
until then, take good care of yourselves, your loved ones, your plants, and your pets. remember to be kind to yourselves and others, and remember that you are defined only by a God who loves you more than you could ever possibly fathom.
I know life sometimes feels bland, like a meal you forgot to add seasoning to, but it gets better, I promise. we’ll walk through it together and we will be victorious in the end.
I’m proud of you, friend.
affectionately,
maria x
music I listened to while writing this post
playlist: late night study lofi
photo taken by me on oct. 7th, 2022 | phone photography
Found a New Home 