hi friends,
I had initially hoped that my I-need-a-break-from-wordpress phase would be a revolutionary one-year hiatus, but as more days rapidly go by, I feel a little more inspired to share some thoughts and updates.
long post ahead
moving abroad & experiencing love in numerous forms
a few years ago, I published (and re-archived) a post entitled “to love and be loved,” in which I talked about how love is a vital element in one’s life.
in the last nine months, I have experienced sincere, platonic love in a myriad of ways, from people of different age groups and of different backgrounds.
when you move abroad, you have, among numerous other things, an intense fear of spending all of your time alone. you experience the consuming thoughts like what if no one will want to spend time with me?, what if our cultures don’t match?, or what if I don’t make friends?, and you drown in this idea that you might spend all of your time on your own, with no one to share special moments with. for me, it was the case when I first moved abroad last year. sure, I had people to work, eat lunch, and (very) occasionally go out with, but not one of them hit me up on a saturday to ask me what I was doing or if I wanted to join them somewhere. I’d remind them that if they ever were looking for company, they could always send me a message. nothing.
I learned to do and experience things by myself; go out for coffee, go to the library, take public transport (Lebanon almost never provided us with any), go to museums, and eat at restaurants. did I fully enjoy doing these alone? well, not always. my first moving abroad was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do, and although many people do have it worse—while I’m abroad and “living with dignity”—it truly was a period I wish to talk about but never experience again. that said, when I first moved to the new city I’ve now been living in for the past nine months, I was absolutely terrified I’d have to go through that solitude again—this time for three full years. however, and to abridge the story, I have met some of the most amazing people I could ever come across; people who genuinely want to spend time with you, people who ask for your help or opinion, people who ask you about your day, about your culture, or about your plans for the weekend and listen attentively to what you respond, people who genuinely want to hear about what you’re having trouble dealing with at work or in your life, people who see things and send you a picture because they thought of you, people who respect you and your beliefs—because they truly love and appreciate you for who you are. I also have friends from Lebanon who have repeatedly and unfailingly shown me love in a plethora of ways, and they’ve been by my side ever since I have set foot outside of our little middle eastern home. sometimes I think it’s all too good to be true, but then I remember that Love and love are beyond kind, and with them anything can come true. just for that, I feel infinitely blessed.
becoming an adult, juggling things, & friendships: a short commentary
on the note of having friends by your side when you are struggling with things at work or in your personal life, I wanted to discuss the idea that making friends as an adult is arduous and perhaps downright impossible (not a direct quote).
I’m aware that making friends, in general, is not easy for everyone. some people are more reserved and feel more anxious when incited to engage in conversations with others, while other people might jump from one friend group to the other without really dropping the anchor somewhere. I think that making friends as an adult is arduous because, as you grow older, you are more acquainted with what stability means, and are more aware of how much you truly want it. but more than that, making friends as an adult is arduous because you want honest connections.
I often heard my parents talk about stability, how long humans seek it, and how hard they aim to preserve it; a stable job, a stable income, a stable family, a stable home, a stable life. I’ve also repeatedly heard people say that they will no longer make time for their past friends who no longer prioritize their friendships—you know, declarations like “if they won’t initiate conversations with me first, then I won’t initiate anything with them anymore” or “if they won’t make time for me, then I won’t make them my priority anymore”.
I don’t know about you, but I have caught myself declaring similar stances before, but never really sticking to all of them. head vs. heart, you know what I mean?
before I comment on this, I’d like to pause on a post I saw someone share to their story the other day. I don’t quite remember the exact text on that post, but it was something along the lines of “stop putting so much pressure on friendships. we’re all busy, life is expensive, and we can’t be expected to prioritize attending a friend’s birthday or going out all the time when we have families and partners.”
I know, I know. if you’ve been keeping up with my blog for a while, you might be thinking “here comes Maria again with her friendship talks,” and trust me, I thought I was going to come back and talk about something completely different as well. but hey, friendships mean a lot to me and therefore, I will keep exploring them for as long as I can.
my comment on that post, and on what I was saying prior to it, is that I reckon we put pressure on friendships because we are continually searching for (keyword:) stability. I do agree that we can’t always succeed at juggling our busy lives—our personal needs, our families’ needs, our partners’ needs, and our professional responsibilities—and still always make it right with our friends every time. nevertheless, we also must remember that the accumulation of missed opportunities does create tension and conflicts in a friendship.
by missed opportunities I mean missed chances to see and/or spend time with our friends; a coffee meet-up, a walk in the park, a birthday party, a phone call—without being honest about why an opportunity was missed.
look, only a minority of people are unaware of how stressful, financially and household-ly, today’s life can be, and the vast majority is fully conscious of it. so, why do we expect so much from our good friends? well, because people are so caught up in the chaos and demands of their lives, friendships act as stable elements. your friends will show up to your happy occasions and you will show up to theirs. your friends will remember your birthday and you will remember theirs, etc.
however, a lot of people—when they are too tangled up in their personal lives—tend to let a distant, silent, and avoiding behavior get in the way of their connections, which, in its turn, will raise questions. sometimes the reason someone might adopt an unenthusiastic behavior comes from outgrowing certain friendships, but these situations tend to fade little-by-little, on their own, without too much tension and negative feelings.
what I hope changes in tense situations is that good friends be more honest with each other instead of just avoiding these matters. we can no longer expect our friends to show up to all our events, eat at every encounter, or be available any time of any day like back when we were in middle school. we do expect, however, our close friends to be honest with us and tell us when they need space to deal with whatever they have to deal with. a simple example would be my friends at the lab when they explicitly tell us they are tight on budget, which is why they are excusing themselves from plans. it’s simple honesty like, “Sorry I missed your call, but I’m not feeling great. I’ll call you back when my head clears up, perhaps during the week-end?” or “I couldn’t make it to your birthday dinner because I had a last-minute emergency. this may take a while to fully take care of, but I promise to hit you up as soon as it is taken care of” that make all the difference. not only does this reinforce your friendship, but it also allows you to identify which friendships are more stable and more true than others. it also allows you to slowly outgrow who has already outgrown you.
I think people get more upset over repeated missed opportunities and repeated empty excuses because it tips the bar to one side when everything was supposedly centered. for example, if we keep on trying to make plans with someone who is never available for us (but is for others with zero hesitation), there will definitely be tension in this friendship that will most certainly be ended. ain’t no adult got time for ephemeral things.
of course, you don’t have to go into all the details every time you are being honest with your close friends. if they are truly your close friends, they will know you are not making it up. they will know you cherish them and they will wait for you. and besides, since this generation of adults loves to talk about the importance of kindness and mental health and is aware of it, I truly expect us to concretely detach from the traditional obligations and expectations that our parents and grandparents so tightly hold on to (again, at least in my culture). I truly hope that we learn to be honest about our struggles instead of sugar-coating it all and showing up to every rendez-vous like there is nothing happening.
that said, I reckon that your busy and demanding life is not an excuse for complaining that people are applying too much pressure on you, if you are not finding ways—no matter how small—to make it up to people you love. this may be a contradiction with a lot of things (one-to-two years) younger me might’ve preached about, but then again she also wasn’t aware of how tied honesty and stability are. friendships require both, effort and compassion.
still, and as I always say, people who are meant to be in your life will make sure you know it. however, I now want to add to it that people who are meant to be in your life will be transparent, as much as they can, with you about why they’ve been absent—and you will do the same.
subtitle inserted at the last minute: visual perception & what it makes us feel
my God, this is a funny realization.
okay, so, have you ever looked at someone else and thought to yourself that they must have their life together, solely because they look good?
sure, we all know social media don’t reveal the truth, but what about the real-life visual encounters? why do we compare ourselves to both the lives we see on social media and what our mind assumes when it sees others looking good?
here’s the story: I’ve been going to the gym for a few months now, and there’s this young woman I regularly see there. when I tell y’all that she is the visual embodiment of that girl; slick back hair, clear skin, a great figure (according to today’s standards, of course), wears jewelry and prime fitness brands, can workout like an absolute BEAST, and after the gym wears minimalist, old money clothing. the last time I saw her, I thought to myself that she must have her life together to look the way she does.
now that I have typed this, I realize how silly that thought is. I do hope she has her life together though, and I wish her the absolute best.
I think it’s funny how just seeing someone look and perform so well pushed my brain to associate it with having a good overall life. it’s like that conversation I had with a friend of mine who newly arrived to the lab; I was telling her that some people just look rich without even trying or showing off exhorbitantly. it’s like this incites us to think that they are well-off and put together; oh they can afford to get their hair done every day, or oh they can eat organic, whole foods, or even oh they must have a nice, big house. take this researcher at my lab, for instance: she is always super well dressed, she is on track with her tasks, she has a beautiful home (yes, I’ve been to her place), and she has this big network of researchers who are just as brilliant as she is. life [clap] put [clap] to- [clap] ge-[clap] ther [clap].
the question is: does this mean that these people’s lives are fully put together, or are these aspects the only ones they are in control of?
conclusion
I promise that I wanted to end this post earlier, but inserting the last subtitle felt like suddenly remembering something in the middle of a conversation with friends, after which we all laugh because we’ve all lived this and we’re all more similar than we think.
anyway, friend, I hope that you too are looking for stability. I hope you are not giving up on finding the group of friends who will love you and appreciate you for who you are, and with whom you can be transparent. I hope you don’t pause too long on the friendships you’ve outgrown and instead keep on renewing your interests and looking for people who share them. I also hope you remember that not everything you see matches the assumptions your brain makes, whether it’s about people having their lives together or the magnitude of something that happened.
and lastly, I hope you know how happy I am that you are here, just as I hope I can be the friend you find shelter and stability in so that you can stay here, stay happy, for much longer.
take good care.
lots of love x
picture taken (and awkwardly cropped) by me | la rochelle new port.
Found a New Home 