hey, friends.
we made it; we’re nine years old.
this year sure was full of new experiences—some of them marvelous and others quite upsetting (but I will not really get into the latter). I started my phd, I taught lab to college students (keeping in mind that the course was completely new to me), I attended an international conference and presented my work in poster format—and won “best poster”!—, made the impulsive decision to travel by myself for leisure, wrote and published two literature reviews, watched one of my favorite artists in concert, visited two theme parks in france, made new, wonderful friends, tried indian food for the first time, and got to offer loads of gifts this holiday season.
and for all of that, I’m infinitely grateful.
honestly, writing this post has been more difficult than it needed to be, and I reckon it’s because a lot of things I’ve experienced this year weren’t first-time occurrences—which means I have already talked about them on here, possibly multiple times. it can also be because so much has been going on in my life and in my head that I was unable to properly find my words. I’m going to try again now.
this publication might be a long one, so you’re more than encouraged to grab a snack.
this year’s metaphor: “giving flowers”
my friend from the lab and I have used the metaphors “giving flowers” and “receiving flowers” quite extensively this year; the “flowers” symbolize words of support and encouragement from people around you, as well as expressions of satisfaction. imagine you present your work to the team you operate with: if they congratulate you on your hard work, or even if they simply just acknowledge that you’ve worked really hard on something, that means you were given flowers. if you got a lot of positive feedback on your work, then you are given a bouquet. if, on the other hand, their comments on your work or anything you’ve done come in the form of “that’s good, but…”, then you were either “given wilted flowers” or you were “given flowers that were then taken back.”
and the thing is, unlike the people who continuously seek others’ compliments with unquenchable thirst, most of us don’t need someone to give us flowers—but receiving flowers from time to time isn’t something we’d say no to, because what is more beautiful than people who are there to encourage and speak nicely of others? I am not just talking about the workplace, but really about everywhere you go in life. the way I see it, giving people flowers is essential, not only for the motivation, perseverance, or confidence of the person you are giving them to, but also to encourage the people around you to give out flowers as well.
many individuals often think nicely of others and others’ work, but unfortunately end up never saying anything at all, or talk about their positive impression when the person isn’t around. furthermore, some people act “conflicted” because they want to be nice but also feel like they should have their say in something, and therefore give you wilted flowers. I don’t know why some people can’t bring themselves to say encouraging and uplifting things to the person’s face nor ever just stop at the positive end of their sentence. I also do not comprehend why some people find it difficult or unnecessary to encourage you or tell you that you’re doing a good job. it doesn’t take any years away from your life and it surely doesn’t cut anything away from your paycheck.
therefore, wherever you are, remember to be kind. if you think positively of someone and/or their work, let them know. empower them. remind people that they are seen, that their efforts at becoming better versions of themselves are seen, that they are glowing and that they are, in fact, doing enough every day. they say that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. to that I add, “but if you do have something nice to say, declare it. sing it. write it on a sticky note. email it. text it. scream it in the hallway.”
give. people. flowers. big, colorful, diverse bouquets.
the other way around is worth discussing as well. why is it so hard for us to accept the flowers we are given? I feel like a lot of us struggle to believe that we deserve the flowers sent to us because our workplaces, our colleges, our schools, or even our households taught us that there’s always more to be done and that it’s only when we reach absolutely all expectations that we’d have actually done enough. I feel like the following lyrics rapped in Ren’s Money Game, pt. 3 depict this reality perfectly:
“24, he makes the Forbes list, they’re applauding his name
25, and his daddy tells him, “Listen here, son
While you are sitting in that palace, that don’t mean that you won.”
[…]
Now he’s 30, his daddy says “You’re losing the race
You’re just a servant to the king, not even in second place.”“
it makes me sick that our minds have become so hardened that we refuse to acknowledge and celebrate our daily accomplishments. this life has become so demanding, so competitive, so overwhelming that it has conditioned us to believe that nothing is ever enough. no wonder why people’s linkedin job descriptions feel unnecessarily magnified and even unreal—because being just a salesperson, just an R&D engineer, just a doctor, just a teacher, or just an accountant is no longer enough. being just a PhD student isn’t enough because you need to be doing other things on the side to valorize your research. don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful that you strive for greater and more extraordinary, but all of these new trends have made it impossible to believe we are deserving of compliments and good feedback and people telling us they’re proud of us—because someone, somewhere is always doing better and doing more. moreover, in the case people who have grown in households that were hostile and unnurturing, those individuals believe love must be earned, that compliments are only given when they “burn-out-edly” provide or complete everything other people expect from them, that nothing they do is ever sufficient. it has become hard for them to accept flowers and love because they never knew they could be given to them so freely.
so, to the person reading this, here. take these flowers 💐🌻🌸🌷🌼. take them and take care of them because they will make you happy. they will remind you that life is indeed pretty okay. they will remind you that you are doing enough. if no one has given you flowers lately, kindly take this bouquet home with you.
the end-of-year hustle: work around the clock
when I first started my PhD, I vowed that I would never become the stereotypical, meme-type phd student (the malnourished, sleep-deprived student who’s also struggling with their mental health). something I didn’t factor in my calculations, however, was time. in the last 3-4 months, and more occasionally in the months before summer, I found my evenings to be connected to my mornings, meaning that I left work late in the evening and arrived early in the morning.
after the summer, I had decided to change my 9-to-6 into a 7-to-4. although this routine was getting firmly established at the beginning of my final month of first year (september), some time halfway through that month, my work hours had started to extend. I found myself working 8-to-8 or 9-to-8 (or sometimes even 7-to-9) for the next 3 months. I’m not proud of it, but my internalized hustle culture is using this routine to convince me that this is the only way that I’d be doing enough.
yeaaaah, I think we all know what needs to be done from here (and no, I don’t mean quit). good thing is that I will enroll at the gym this new year too, like I did last year, and fix my work schedule around that and around dedicating the evenings to rest. inshallah, as we always say.
miscellaneous
a lot of what I’ve experienced this year falls into the category of things I’ve repeatedly written about. nevertheless, and as a proud member of the “if it’s important to us, then we’ll continue talking about it” comittee, I will put these experiences in bullet points as a form of meeting minutes for everyone to be informed of the important details:
- people cannot know they hurt you or that they’ve wronged you if you don’t tell them. a lot of folks have trouble being aware of the impact that what they do or what they say has. therefore, it’s important that you have more honest conversations with people who mean to you. nobody’s perfect, and everyone trapped in the chaos of their days can act in a way that bothers their friends. people who are meant to be in your life will welcome your concerns/feelings with an open heart.
- watch out for comments that people give but that don’t feel good. they can’t convince you that they were “joking” or that they “didn’t mean it,” especially that these comments often hold some form of resentment or intolerance or jealousy. I once excused myself for not having my phone on me at the moment someone texted me, and the person simply replied with, “but I saw you holding your phone when I spotted you at the cafeteria.” when someone keeps leaving mildly aggressive or unsolicited comments (to you or your friends) that do not feel even the slightest bit good, this should be your telltale sign to stay away from these people.
- your mind can really go in all directions. your mind can make you believe that you aren’t good enough. your mind can make you believe all the negative things it keeps trying to plant in your brain. but this is to remind you that your anxiety is lying to you. your mind is lying to you. people love you, people want you to stay, people are thankful that you exist. there is nothing in this world that you can do that can make you undeserving of love, especially of God’s love.
- there is nothing in this earthly world that you can be limited to or defined by; you are not your mental struggles and/or your health problems. you are not your anxiety nor your fears. you are not your insecurities. you are not those “embarrassing moments” you keep replaying in your head.
- and lastly, you deserve to give yourself the love and kindness you so freely and selflessly give to others. every ounce of love you wholeheartedly give—you deserve it and more. life isn’t over yet for you, friend. life has a lot more love in store for you.
conclusion
I apologize for making this post so long, but I found myself unable to write for the past two days, as my flight back home was challenging and my inspiration was non-existent. the conclusion is that the world runs on love in its various forms. from here, I’m sending love out to you who is reading this. I love you, I’m proud of you, I see you, and I believe in you. I am so happy you are here.
may this new year for us be filled with laughing till our abs and cheeks hurt, accomplishments we are so proud of that no medium could contain that joy, friendships so healthy and constructive that we forget the bitterness of our past friendship breakups, love so strong that we forget the sour taste of feeling neglected and undeserving of love, faith so powerful that all our mountains turn into sand piles that can be taken down by the wind, “flowers” so colorful that we forget that black and gray ever even existed, and kindness so genuine that we forget any pain we have ever experienced. may this new year for Found a New Home be filled with stories and reflections so flamboyant that reading them again in a few years will only help us acknowlegde that life can be quite exciting and definitely worth living.
may 2024 be kind to us all.
thank you for being here. much love. x
songs I listened to while writing this post:
playlist: Coffee and Piano by Spotify.
photo credit: lil artsy on pexels.
Found a New Home 