hi friends,
the first part of this post has received more agreements with its content than I had initially imagined, and in a way, I’m relieved. I guess people are just as fed up with immaculate social media content as I am, and are just as in search of who they are and who they want to be as I am.
in this part, I’m going to try and keep it concise.
I remember being 15 or 16, standing between the two single beds in my bedroom, and reciting a script to the mirror in front of me. I was pretending to be a successful youtuber. back then, I used to watch a lot of lilly singh (formerly iisuperwomanii)’s videos, especially the “types of people…” ones. to me, iisuperwomanii’s content was light, hilarious, and inoffensive—and it was everything I wanted my (imaginary) channel to encompass. I’ve never been a theatre kid, nor someone who has particularly been a lot on stage or in front of a camera, but I’ve always loved delivering content: in elementary school I got into poetry, and in high school I started this blog. I have always loved telling stories, and the pandemic helped me improve my storytelling through photography. add to that the fact that I have always been a highly animated person who loves using bold facial expressions, as well as vivid, colorful, hyperbolic, or even oddly specific descriptions, to help people better understand the image projected in my brain. bref, I’ve always been a little social butterfly (ask my parents, they can confidently confirm it), and one of the things I want most is to be able to translate the images and the scenes in my head into tangible stories that bring life to conversations. so, to 15-year-old, story-telling lover maria, a youtube channel was a way to do what I loved.
but the thing is, in a world full of people who decide to hop onto the internet and do the thing they’re good at, I feel like there is, paradoxically, a lack of space to now become the youtuber/content creator I wanted to be at 15 or 16. I don’t think that there is one-too-many of a certain type of content creator, but I do acknowledge that there are a lot of content creators of the same type. and, sure, people can create the content they want and see most fit, but I just do not see this as sustainable anymore; we are in 2025—and you still find more body positivity content creators starting accounts in response to continually rising, fatphobic, diet-culturally-brainwashed comments. five minute crafts failed so other “tips & tricks” accounts could rise. a lot of fitness content creators are out there trying to feed you their tips even more than they are feeding themselves protein (which is a lot). what I’m trying to say is, more content creators are starting but the scenario hasn’t really changed since 2019 or the beginning of the pandemic. almost five years later & we are still trying to prove mainstream beliefs wrong and then walking through this whole content creation process with the “X people do this, but I do it differently” mentality. not to mention that content creators of the same “type” sometimes share contradictory information because they’re advertising some random product. I don’t mean to include everyone in this statement, as there are a loooot of content creators who provide educational, science-backed, humane and/or wholesome content. and thanks to them, the internet is a better place than it would’ve been without them.
all that being said, I don’t think the 25-year-old version of me wants to be on youtube anymore, and this was something she realized a while back, not necessarily because there are “too many people on the internet,” but rather because life had other plans.
and the thing is, there is a very fine line between making internet content to live and living to make internet content—and I reckon a grand fraction of the world has long crossed it. nothing feels real anymore, and just yesterday, I told my dietician that I simply see waaaay too many people in one day as I mindlessly scroll on the internet. and that—that is exhausting for both my brain and my heart. I can’t discern anymore if people look the way they do because of genetics or of money or of surgery or of actual discipline. I can’t but feel bad about myself when I see conventionally attractive people (speaking of which, I still can’t detach from the idea of what is considered generally attractive). I can’t but wish I had all the financial and time resources to country-hop all the time. I can’t but reprehend the phd life for stripping me of the cutesy, little-to-no worries, pilates-loving, cookie-baking lifestyle that a lot of people portray on the internet, and the list goes on.
additionally, I feel as though people are living to make social media content, as in they go to specific places with specific aesthetics, for example. a lot of newly-opening places are aiming to be mainly instagrammable, taking away from the quality of what they present (yes, popular and ridiculously overpriced italian restaurant in my city. I’m mainly pointing fingers at you). people now care that you tag them in your stories, people care a lot about how their posts and stories appear (I’m one of them, I have to admit). content creators think about their content and their transitions as frequently as I think of my phd (which is constantly). there also seem to exist some sort of general trends that appear all of a sudden, and it feels like everyone has to fall for them at once. I swear there isn’t a single person on this planet who hasn’t backpacked/travelled through asia, been to Thailand specifically, or travelled to Greece and its islands this year. it feels like everyone wants to do the things and see the places that they predict everyone else will love.
and yet, I can’t but think to myself, “I sometimes wish my life looked like this”.
but WAIT!
that’s the word right there: looked.
people on the internet have control over what you see from their part. and yet, our perception of reality has become so warped by what we see that we still feed into whatever it is that these people on the internet are providing. there are two parties in this scenario, and both of them are being fed simultaneously but differently. but what are we being fed, you might ask? we’re being fed the idea that everyone can live a certain way if they wanted to (and if they bought something). consumption is the elaborated petroleum fueling this never-ending surge of content, whether it’s consuming actual, material products, or just consuming an idea. do not get me started on the number of people whose only comment on a fashion content creator’s reel is “where is THAT OBJECT from????” like why do you care? what does it bring you to know where this person’s shirt comes from? if anything, it takes away money from your bank account, or simply takes away some time and energy from your day, and gives it to the creator who is consuming praise and gaining money out of it.
the truth is, no you can’t necessarily live like them—even if you wanted to. even if you bought the item. even if you learned to craft like they do. even if you ate and exercised the way they do. you just can’t. and what they show you is often not real. and I’ve been putting in the effort to dissociate myself from that thought, because my life is my own, and it’s as beautiful and worthy of MY praise and admiration and romanticisation—if not more—as what I come across online does.
and that’s our hard pill to swallow for the night.
so, on which side of the fine line are we at the moment?
sometimes, it’s better to not know and to not see. unfollow, disconnect, do not interact with anything. I don’t think we should be justifying it to anyone, this particular need to distance ourselves when we feel the influence taking over.
maybe one day I’ll join youtube, or at least I’ll continue telling stories to more people in general. and maybe one day, you will come up with an idea that doesn’t throw you into a category of already-existing ideas. no matter where you end up sharing what you love, I hope it works out for you, and that you make it—not because you monetized everything to the detriment of what matters. I also hope for us to live a life off camera, a life worth romanticizing without showing the world, a life where we are authentically ourselves, embracing highs and lows and messy houses and non-extravaggant personal style and low-profile events and sunday home resets and one-pot convenient meals.
let me just take a final moment to remind you that you are doing great exactly where you are now, with the efforts you are putting, and for everything that you stand for. you are not behind or less-than because your life doesn’t look like the one you see online. I know the lines feel blurred, and that nothing feels quite real, and that everyone wants your attention and your money, but you got this and life has a lot in store for you.
here’s your gold star! ⭐ take care!
Found a New Home 