spectrums

I hope you find yourself someday.

I hope that somewhere between profound altruism and the crippling need to prove you should be loved, you find yourself able to put your own needs first. because perhaps you’ve long believed that the only way to exist is to give, and give, and give, forgetting that stocks can also deplete. I hope that somewhere between profound altruism and the crippling need to prove you should be loved, you learn that saying ‘no’, saying what you genuinely think, or even having multiple bad days, do not make you a bad person, or one that’s unworthy of love. and “if you’re ever scared of being a bad person, remember that bad people don’t care about getting better.”

I hope that somewhere between anxiogenic oblivion and carefully-chosen certainty, you understand at last that nobody has it all figured out, and that the ones who get to places, at some point, bit the skin around their fingernails, until it bled, before taking a step forward. the grand places we reach rarely ever result from careless calculations, but rather from considerations made with surgical precision. and most importantly, they come from the ground work you rightfully decided to take on, because beyond ab-strengthening laughter, blissful moments, and summer-like days, come the days where you decided to put that life on pause for a while. and you will get there. but amongst all of that, I hope you learn to take it one step at-a-time.

I hope that somewhere between “I let everyone down” and “I know they are proud of me”, you find yourself doing what you realistically can, not taking on what is capable of irreversibly accentuating the rounding of your spine. because the load was never once only yours to carry. I hope that somewhere between “I let everyone down” and “I know they are proud of me” you acknowledge that, whilst you might be doing something out of recognition, the first person you should find this in-between for, is you.

I hope that somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate the good that today has brought you—the endorphins from running outside, the wide smile drawn on your face when your favorite person in the world walks into the room, the “it’s all going to be okay” kind of hug your friend gives on what felt like the worst day of your life, the smell of freshly baked pastry, that one joke your coworker made that is so lame to the point where your abs and cheeks hurt from laughing. I hope that somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow, you find the tabs that need to be closed, not on your browser but in your brain. then you’ll be able to safely close them because they no longer serve you.

I hope that somewhere between “never” and “one day”, you’ll find yourself for good x