hi friends. Found a New Home turned 11 this december, and words cannot contain the gratitude I feel in acknowledging that this blog has been a part of my life for over a decade. so, whether you’ve been reading for a while or you’re new here, thank you for being a part of this. x
they say it’s a privilege to be tired of the life you have long prayed for—one that lies at the intersection of personal endeavor, community support, and a purpose so powerful that only a fictional universe could actually contain it.
I have big, important news to share with you all: I defended my PhD this month. three years of work, all condensed into a total of three-ish hours. I’ve long dreamt of this day, even before starting my PhD journey. I’ve dreamt of the day I’ll be declared a doctor, finally closing an eight-years-total academic journey. my life has been full of unexpected events that eventually led me to this point, and a past version of me would’ve surely written an exclusively-reflective post to talk about it all. it won’t be this way though—not as exclusively at least.
I’ve had this blog for 11 years now, and I can declare that no one has been a better audience to my life the way I have been through my own writings. I archived so many of my older posts as the years passed, even some of the more recent ones. I read through them again, I laughed and grinned at things I’d written and the ways I had expressed them, and really just appreciated the ways my life has taken some important turns. however, I archived them because I reckon that it’s normal to write about a current phase of your life, only to then feel totally disconnected from it later on.
that last sentence is an accurate description of how my life has felt in the last year/year and-a-half more particularly. I realized that I’ve witnessed myself slowly metamorphose into a version of myself I’m not at all familiar with—one standing somewhere between idealism, realism, and sentimentalism, one a little more capable of digging up the constraints in different situations, one a little more capable of reading other people’s body language and in-between the lines… bref, one who has gotten a little closer taste of what the world really appears to be.
I’m not saying I now view myself as a pessimist, really far from that, but I think my younger self had a much more positive attitude towards life than she does now, sometimes too positive for her own good. at least that’s how I remember her.
but unlike little miss just-getting-her-bachelor’s-degree, I’ve been away from home for 3.5 years now, some of my closest friends and I have said our goodbyes to each other without ever realizing it, I’ve been outgrown by people whom I thought would be a part of my life forever, I outgrew some of the people who meant the world to me, I’ve experienced “occupational anxiety” more than I would like to admit, and the list goes on. the thing is, adulthood comes with this contract, in which it is written—in fine print—that most things about this grandiose adventure won’t be easy, and that you most certainly will have to deal with people and situations that do not align with who you are in any shape or form. sometimes when you’re the least prepared. this isn’t to say younger me didn’t part from friends who meant to her at the time, but when the entire circumstances are different, the same situation isn’t technically the same.
in the last years, I’ve repeatedly questioned this version I have become.
all along this PhD journey, I’ve heard many people around me criticize academia as a system, which was quite eye-opening to me. this wasn’t because I had never thought of expressing my own opinions about a system before, but rather because the darker areas to pinpoint no longer were these bigger-than-us issues, the way, say, global political corruption is.
you know, it’s like when you heard parents say that they heard the news about HIV/AIDS being an epidemic back in the late 80s – mid 90s, but it all seemed too far because the virus never affected their surroundings personally. does that change anything from that epidemic being a major problem? absolutely not. this is kind of what I’m trying to get at here; the last 3.5 years were eye-opening to me because, when I was still a younger college student, I’ve repeatedly heard the adult adults complain about the world and the slaps in the face they’ve experienced. I’ve overheard conversations about how:
X refused to help Y so that Y couldn’t advance further,
how A lied to B about putting B‘s name on the paper they both worked on,
how C‘s very own brother dragged C down to court,
how D‘s facial expressions and behaviors immediately changed when E talked about their success. etc.
and those same last few years as an adult adult showed me that societal incentives could be so askewed from my outlook on life—thus the never-ending fight in my mind between what should be true, what actually is true, and how I feel. it disturbed the present version of me that I was getting more and more familiarized with all the situations I’ve only once heard of, which shattered the glass a little for me. add to that everything that comes in the moving abroad package, let’s just say, these last 3.5 years weren’t the easiest on my heart and mind.
and, sure, people say that life eventually hardens you and your heart. they say that, at some point, you’ll stop being surprised when people exploit your trust and good intentions, or when situations just go wrong despite your efforts, but that you’ll eventually get out of this in a here-we-go-again kind of fashion.
yeaaaah, I don’t like that. and I guess I’ve always refused that for myself.
for 3.5 years, I’ve watched myself slowly metamorphose into a version of myself I am not at all familiar with, but that doesn’t mean this version is any less worthy of love, of Grace, and of chances to keep on becoming.
honestly, I’ve long hung on to who I used to be, the version of myself whose biggest hardship was handling everything at school/university, plus extracurriculars, and getting the best grades she could so that she could achieve the life she has now. I know this absolutely comes from a place of utmost privilege—the privileges of a loving family who gave me everything, a healthy and abled body, and numerous God-given abilities. the financial privilege of always having food on the table, a roof over my head, good-quality clothes, a warm house, good education, amazing friends, being able to travel, and just experiencing life fully—all before even moving abroad. I felt like past me was more positive and less easily overstimulated. in a way, it’s justifiable.
that being said, I can’t but give present me some grace. God gave her battles He knew she’d win (although she did have to cry about and panic over them first), and she eventually did.
I’d like to point out, too, that to become is not a final goal, but rather a continuous process—one that happens each time after a certain number of new chances were granted with every sunrise. to become is a craft, a noteworthy and complex art that requires trial and error, learning, unlearning, family, friendships, friendship breakups, love, heartbreak, communication, boundaries, tears, resilience, and letting go. and before the critics come at me, I’m aware that to become can unfortunately also go in the opposite direction, sometimes for reasons completely out of the person’s control. but, for now, I wish to apply that to my own experience.
for a bit, I felt like this present version of myself was not one that “belonged” to me, but I also felt disconnected from the past version. I felt like she didn’t belong in my skin anymore, although she was still trying to find herself some space in mine. this past year, more specifically, I learned a lot about myself. I made it through battles I thought I never would, on several fronts—occupation, faith, friendships, mind. and yet, at several moments, I told God, “I know You’re not done with me yet,” and you bet He wasn’t. for a short while, I worried that this version of myself I had become, the one I felt so alienated from, was the final one—a pokemon that has reached its final, mature form. well, not really.
amidst all of that, what I’ve held on to the most remains unchanged: love. in a poem I immediately connected with, Celia Martínez (@diaryofaromantica on instagram) says, “I have many redeeming qualities, at least that’s what I think. like how my heart still floats even though many people taught it how to sink.” I am so profoundly grateful that, despite everything, my heart has always remained open to love. I’ve shown love and have received it in countless and indescribable ways, even when me or my friends felt difficult to love and be cared for. I genuinely refuse to let life’s hardships lead me to automatically assume everything is constantly playing against me.
all this time, I was worried I had become someone who “wasn’t like me,” when in reality, I had only become more aware, but the rest hasn’t really changed. the world isn’t perfect, it isn’t all sunflowers and daisies. and sure, some people are ill-intentioned, and some situations lead to dead ends. sure, not everything works out despite all the efforts you put in. and sure, you can’t change people no matter how hard you want to. does that awareness automatically change who I am? I don’t think it ever will, as long as faith and an open heart remain.
this year, I’ve cried and I’ve wiped my friends’ tears.
I’ve loved, I’ve gotten heartbroken, and I’ve received love.
I’ve tried—sometimes failed, and others succeeded.
I’ve made new friends and outgrown others.
I’ve listened to two audiobooks and not finished two physical books.
I’ve written my thesis and recurrently felt the urge to break my laptop in half.
I’ve learned and unlearned.
I’ve argued repeatedly with some people over the same topics, and kept my mouth shut over others.
I’ve overthought and forgiven.
I’ve prayed and taken God’s timing for granted sometimes. I’ve repented too.
I’ve blamed myself for past things that didn’t actually define me, thinking I could’ve acted differently then, and I’ve given myself grace too.
all of this is part of mastering the complex art of becoming. to acknowledge what to keep and what to fix, to love and be loved, to keep trying to get to where you want to be—all while staying true to your faith and your principles—, to keep the people you care about close and to nurture connections, to learn from your mistakes without letting them confine and define you, to accept that, surely, you are not the same as your past self (take that the way you want), to fail and to keep trying, to keep a curious mind and accept help from others. you don’t become and stagnate. you continually become someone new, one step at-a-time. you have never been this current version of you before, so it’s important that you remember that you will feel uncomfortable with it, and it’s okay.
and I know, sometimes life absolutely sucks, and it throws battles at us that push us back 10 steps after we’d taken 5 steps forward. but I hope and pray your heart remains unchanged even during those trials. if there is one thing this year has taught me is that you’re never alone on the battlefield, at least you don’t have to be. seek your community, your parents, your significant other, your best friends, a therapist. your battles are not a burden for people who matter. sometimes you don’t even need a solution, you just need someone to talk to and who would listen. I personally don’t know how I would’ve done it had I not held on to the belief that God is near and had I not kept talking about it. and I’m here for you if you need me.
to conclude this extremely lengthy post, I think the most valuable thing is to let your becoming be the reason this world feels kinder for people around you and yourself. you know what they say, “leave the world a little better than you found it”? that. strive to become the person the younger version of you would totally be friends with and trust. strive to become the person you would want younger you to befriend. strive to become the person who sees God in everything, whose love is so big that it can’t be kept a secret. a quote I love says, “I might not light up your life when it’s dark, but I will stay up with you till the sun comes up,” and I think this is one of the loveliest redeeming qualities of the person I aspire to become and live as.
thank you for being here, friend. thank you for reading along.
I’ll see you soon, take care x
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)
Found a New Home 