who you are: the blurred lines between what is real, what is being sold, & what truly matters

you are capable of re-inventing yourself endlessly.

I used to be friends with someone who had the above sentence written in the ‘about’ section of their whatsapp profile—and ever so often, I remember that. I recall, not only this particular sentence, but also the friendship that I had with the person who reiterated it. it was the kind of friendship where deep talk and small talk had equal places and value in the conversation. we didn’t see each other often, this friend and I, yet talked almost daily over whatsapp. then fast-forward a little when this friend found some purpose and new meaning to their existence, told me about it, re-invented themselves completely, and eventually moved to a new country. I reckon you can predict what happened henceforth—we grew apart. I think about that friend occasionally, however; I wonder where they are, how they are doing, what the people they are now friends with are like, etc.

that being said, lately I’ve had a perpetual urge to just do over—change my hair, change the way I dress, build new habits, work better, read more, draw more, exercise more, do new things, live more. I want to feel like I’m in one of those games where I get to choose or custom-build a character. but unlike the remove-her-glasses-and-she-will-be-unrecognizable disney makeover fairy dust that has been fed to us since forever, actually starting over takes a crapload of effort and determination (groundbreaking information, I know).

I assume this sudden desire to metamorphose into a newer—better?—character stems from my ceaseless scrolling on social media. as previously underlined on here and by thousands of commentary content creators, the embellished, polished—and sponsored—lifestyles of people, that we are chronically fed, play a huge role in breeding this appetite for personality renewal. “influencing” has been going around forever, namely the “live better” kind of influencer, with all the self-help books that exist. however, nowadays, “influencing” has been granted a whole new meaning, and I think the line between what we know and what we see is becoming increasingly thinner the more this influencer-driven society evolves. I know these lifestyles aren’t all authentic (because who actually lives like that 24/7?), yet ultra-absorbantly take it all in and then assess my own life.

I’ve just felt powerless lately in regards to media, thinking “could this someday be me?” more often than I’d like to admit. could it someday be me, indefinitely traveling? could it someday be me, proudly wearing unique clothing or styling my outfits in attention-grabbing ways? could it someday be me, living in nyc—or any romanticized place— and leading my silly, cute, little life full of coffee shops and super cool thrift stores and healthy meals and workshops that are good for my mental health? could it someday be me, owner of a retro, colorful, spacious apartment?

I think it’s ironic and funny to catch myself having these thoughts, as the life I lead now also includes coffee shops, good, healthy food, activities, friends, colors, and a looooot of moments that are good for my mental health. so, why do these questions still pop up? and how has the internet successfully sold the concept of a life—that I already have—to me?

the media convince you that your life is not like the one you see because you haven’t changed anything yet. it’s a you problem.

and believe it or not, all of these solutions to transform your life—no matter the aspect you are contemplating to transform—are all tied back to consumption. coffee culture, travel culture, thrifting and fashion culture, art culture, instagram culture… all of this depiction of what a unique, bold, beautiful, authentic, healthy, and happy life looks like, is just one method of telling you to consume something in order to change. if it’s a you problem, then you have to pay to fix it.

media strive to display this highlight reel of a life, exhibiting smiles, gala dinners, unique fashion senses, five-star hotels, shelves holding over 300 books, perfect skin, fit bodies, and friend groups gathered around the most eye-catching meals you’ve ever seen.

but the thing is, it doesn’t work like that. because that life online is not real. because real life demands that you pay your bills, and for that you need a stable income. real life demands that you constantly have to think about what to eat today and tonight and tomorrow and the day after that. real life demands that you find a sustainable job if you even dare think about starting a family—or even just survive in some circumstances—in this consumption-driven world and economy. because in real life you might fight with your closest friends or with your family. you lose friends and you lose family. you make temporary friends and you can cut off communication with family. because in real life you come back home sometimes and the mere idea of putting together a meal or exercising sounds like an absolute nightmare. because in real life you get stuck in traffic nine times out of ten. because in real life, you have acne and stretch marks, and your skin folds and your body jiggles. because in real life you can’t always get eight hours of sleep, as your newborn might keep you up all night because of a fever or because the job’s way too demanding sometimes. because in real life you live and you laugh and you cry and you hug your friends and you say good bye and you feel anger and anxiety. because in real life you are not always dancing and decorating and exercising and dressing up. because in real life you are not always traveling for leisure and discovery, but perhaps for this job that you hate or for possible opportunities or even in hopes of finally finding refuge. because in real life you can be running to catch the subway, just like you could be running away from bombs in search of shelter. because in real life there are moments worth romanticizing and remembering, but also moments that must be forgotten forever.

the truth is, I am tired of walking away from this idea, then finding out a few months later that I am (yet again) writing about it on here. I’m stunned at how, despite all the awareness I’ve grown to have over the years, I still fall in this trap of comparison. I’m just sick and tired of being force-fed content that looks good. I am tired of highly-curated, thoroughly-studied, incredibly-scripted, dream-selling, product-placing, and truth-faking content. I am upset with Netflix, and cinema in general, for turning everything they have into accessible-for-all adult content (ironically labeled 16+), full of betrayal and disregard for morals, selling us warped ideas of what life looks like. I am tired of being told that my life is not great because I don’t do/have this, and this, and that. I’m tired of feeling like something is missing, although people are out there selling a life I already have for the most part.

so, yeah. while “you are capable of re-inventing yourself endlessly” is a true statement, let this be a kind reminder:

the concepts of influencing and consumption have been around for ages—as my dad says, the oldest advertisement dates back to when Adam and Eve were influenced into eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. so, I don’t blame you for surrendering to the now trends, and I sure hope that you are not blaming yourself either. I also do not blame you for continously feeling like you need to shed your dead skin to be worthy of appreciation. on the contrary, it’s a very valid feeling—not because material things come and go, and we want to be part of the picture before we are no longer here, but because we are meant to change and grow and endlessly discover parts of ourselves. but what I really want you to take home with you is that, unless the aspect of your life that you wish were different is causing you (or someone you know) physical and/or mental harm, or is preventing you from healthily continuing forward, it’s okay to be where you are now.

it’s okay if you don’t travel this year or next year or the one after that. it’s okay if, for now, your paycheck is just enough to pay rent, pay groceries, and maybe go out on weekends. it’s okay if you are not reading and journaling and drinking matcha and exercising and dressing nicely every day. it’s okay if you are not eating organic. sure, a haircut, or the start of a fitness journey, or a coffee date with a friend, or some new pieces of clothing you end wearing for a long time, are all things that make life feel a little more okay, but even without these happening frequently, it’s okay. it’s okay—and it’s enough—to be where you are right now.

social media are also great at selling you the idea of spiritual renewal, inner healing, and growth. but it doesn’t work like that, simply because in this day and age you can’t live without your phone. you can’t constantly be out in nature and expect yourself to survive on a minimal budget. you can’t just wait for the universe to give you signs. you can’t convince me anymore that the romanticized yoga guru life you’re trying to sell is one that can thrive in today’s world.

therefore, if you were to perpetually re-invent yourself the more you advance in this life, let it be through your ever-growing personality. try to be kinder, more of service. progressively learn how to communicate and set boundaries. strive to think more critically about situations instead of always letting your heart win. try and give more hugs. try and be someone’s shoulder to cry on, someone’s go-to person. if today sucked at work, try again tomorrow. go out for coffee or to a restaurant when you can afford it, in money and in time. take your time to plan a trip, instead of taking 27 unplanned, highly demanding trips in a month.

bref, what truly matters is not the kind of instagrammable lifestyle you lead, but what you did for yourself to grow and will eventually leave behind in the world. live in such a way that people remember how much you made them laugh, how much you’ve helped them, how often you’ve listened to them, how many cookies you’ve shared with them, and how kind you were to them. life is indeed difficult and demanding and overwhelming, but it isn’t over yet. the perfect, balanced, problem-free life does not really exist, but the life you can lead with the resources available to you is still a beautiful life worth living.

take care and disconnect a little bit, will ya? x

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p.s.: there might be a second part to this post in the future.